Concern for feelings

Hello there friends & readers,

Another reader question! 

Dear Your Polite Friend,
I recently got married.  My friend "John" says I should tell my ex who I haven't spoken to beyond "hello" in over 2 years.  My ex & "John" are friends, so I suspect he doesn't want to be the one to break the news.  Do I owe it to my ex?  If so, how do I tell them?

Dear Reader,
Congrats on the marriage.  I hope you had a great wedding & got your thank you notes out in a timely manner.  In response to your question: No, you do not have to tell your ex anything.  If you have not spoken to them in over 2 years, telling them now will seem out of the blue at best, & at worst look like you are rubbing it in their face.  

Thanks to social media it is likely your ex already knows you are married, either on their time line or someone else told them.  Either way, it is not your problem.  

I am not sure why "John" assumes you owe your ex anything, but I think your suspicions about not wanting to break the news are correct.  "John" should mind his own business & realize that everyone here is an adult who has moved on with their life.  Maybe "John" has always hoped you two might get back together & all three of you be friends in some kind of sitcom sort of way.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!



XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Gratzi, Merci, Thank you

Hello there friends & readers,

I am so appreciative of all the attention I have received from you lately, which has inspired me for our next topic: Thank Yous.

We all have memories of Mom & Dad sitting us down after every Christmas & Birthday & having us write out a standard Thank You Note. Most of us found it annoying & boring. The idea behind a Thank You Note is that someone took the time from their life to think of us & send us a gift they thought we could like, & in turn we take the time from our life to tell them we appreciate it. Sounds like a nice gesture right? Thank You Notes are one of those things that in theory everyone can appreciate, but in practice is just a little too much work, kind of like flossing.


The Thank You Note is one of those timeless etiquette items that has had some issues adjusting to modern society. Questions like "Is a Thank You Email OK?" are debated constantly by etiquette experts, some on the side of adapting with the times, & others standing firmly on the side of tradition.


So here are my 2 cents in the pool, take them as you will: I love Thank You Notes. I love writing them, receiving them, shopping for them. This is mainly because I am obsessed with pens, stationary & getting mail. I am well aware that for a millennial, my tastes often fall closer to those of the Baby Boomers. I accept this. I also understand that for most people in my generation, an address book is electronic, & given that our friends move more often than we upgrade our iPhones, usually tragically out of date. Getting stationary, getting stamps, & getting a correct address is a big hassle when you are busy. So here is a cheat sheet to help you navigate the best way to tell someone you appreciate them:


Engagement, Bridal Shower, Wedding or Graduation Gifts:

The Law of the Land still says you have to send a written note for these gifts. I know that is not what you want to hear but just do it. Your older relatives will appreciate it. Mainly you are thanking them for thinking of you & coming to your event (if they did). Just suck it up & churn them out. Good news is you should have a correct address since you sent the announcement/invitation. Generally this should be done with in 2 to 3 weeks MAX of receiving the gift. This is not one that is going to change any time soon.


Personalized Gifts (Birthdays, Christmases, etc)

If someone took the time to get you something very specific to you, it really would be nice if you sent them a note. Like I said, I get it, hard. This is a situation where I feel email is acceptable, IF the email is more than 2 sentences. Tell them why you appreciate it & how much it means that the person went out of their way for you. Texts & Facebook really don't cut it for this kind of thing. I know some of you are going to ask "Why is an email more personalized than a Facebook message". I don't know WHY, but email just seems like you put a little more effort in. I don't make the rules, I just nicely remind you what they are.


A Nice Food or Beverage Item Contributed To Your Party

We Millennials are mostly getting to the age where our parties are a pot luck kind of thing. If someone brings a really nice dish or beverage to the party & you want to thank them, this is where texting & Facebook are OK. Just a quick "Thanks so much for coming! The Cider/Potato Salad/Chili were amazing!!!" is a very nice touch. This could also be done over Facebook. Generally it is best in a private message to the person. Group Messages are nice to thank everyone for coming, but if someone put a lot of effort in to a dish, or shelled out a nice amount for some quality drinks, they deserve their own little message. It will help ensure that they will be just as generous the next time. 

PLEASE REMEMBER: ANY MESSAGE IS BETTER THAN NO MESSAGE

If push comes to shove, any etiquette expert will tell you that any kind of message is better than none.  If sending an email or a text is all you can do, DO IT!!! Even if it is better or more correct to send a note.  Hell, a PHONE CALL is better than nothing, just find a way to say thank you.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!


XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Back with a passion

Hello there friends & readers,

It has been a while since I updated all of you, sorry for my long absence.  But I am back & inspired anew to help navigate this crazy world out there.  Today we are going to discuss a topic very near & dear to my heart.  That topic is the etiquette of social dynamics.  Confused?  Keep reading.

In our social groups we generally fall in to different roles & there is always one person who is "The Planner".  They come up with the ideas, send out the e-vites, host the events, things like that.  They often do this because it works with the personality (the term control freak may be used occasionally to describe them), their schedule, or they just come up with good ideas & follow through with said ideas.  There seems to be a misconception that because this person is happy, or at least willing, to do all the planning-organizing-hosting things, you are on easy street & never have to plan an event of your own.  I am coming to you today to say this is wrong & is something that needs to be fixed.  Just because someone is willing to do the work, doesn't mean they don't want a day off occasionally. I bet if you asked your Planner Friend honestly how they felt about their role in the group, they might express an occasional feeling of hurt, frustration, or just being unappreciated because they are never invited anywhere in return.

This is an issue that can be aggravated by social media.  When your Planner Friend sees you out with other friends or at an event they didn't get an invite to, it is very hard not to take it personally & ask themselves why they were not worthy of an invite.  Yes, we often have multiple friend groups, which means multiple Planner Friends, but for the average person there is always a gut reaction of being slighted & left out.  Your Planner Friend might bring this up with you at some point, but it is very hard for people to have these conversations, as there is always this idea that if you complain about it, it is your problem.  We all need to try and be a little more considerate.

So what can you do? No, you do not have to keep a running tab of every time you have been invited somewhere & invite back that many times.  I am also not saying that you have to start hosting dinner parties even though you hate cooking.  I am saying that a once in a while a "Hey you want to get some Brunch?" type of offer goes a LONG way in reminding your Planner Friend that you care about them & enjoy spending time with them.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Cellphones and modern annoyances

Hello there friends & readers,

Wow, 2 posts in the same month, I must be getting good at this.

Recently a question came my way via The Facebooks: "If you don't know if someone's phone will make a tone that will wake them up, is it OK to text them late? Or is it just plain impolite?"

Being the Millennial Miss Manners that I am, I was very interested in everyone's views on this.

The answers generally fell in to two categories, one group saying "No it is not rude" because you can change the setting to make your phone silent when you sleep, it is fine to text/call/whatever at any time;  the other saying "Yes it is rude" because the phone might be on for a reason & if it is not an emergency, you should email or contact them some other way or just some time later.

Questions like this are always hard.  Modern technology had given us a million ways to be connected but also a million was to accidentally be rude because we all see it differently.  And since you asked (why else would you be here) here is my view on the situation:

Most people bring up the fact that we have the ability to turn our cell phones on silent when we sleep so it is fine to text, call, email, snap chat, or whatever at any hour of the day & if the person is bothered, it is their fault for forgetting to turn it on silent.

I have a few issues with this.  First, it assumes that everyone has a smart phone with these functions.  Not every does.  Second, it assumes that everyone knows how to change the settings on their smart phone.  I am sure we have all had to explain how to do something smart phone related to someone in our life time.  Finally, there are a million reasons why someone might need to keep their phone on at night, most of them being due to emergency situations.  They might be a doctor, tech people, firefighters, or even the president.

When Your Polite Friend is faced with a situation like this, I fall back to my golden rule: "Treat other the way you want to be treated". Would it bother you to get a text at 11:30 pm? If the answer is yes, don't send a text at 11:30 pm. Very simple. With this also comes the understanding that if someone does call you at an off hour, you politely tell them (maybe the next day when you are more awake & able to express yourself nicely) that in the future you prefer not to be contacted after a certain hour.

There are other conversations that we will have to have about personal responsibility for our technology & alerting people to your schedule, but I think we will cover that at a later date.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips and questions answered and feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Let's go Clubbing

Hello there friends & readers,

Well, we have all just set our clocks forward one hour meaning we are staying up later & spring is officially here.  The weather is warmer so we can pull out our fun clothes & maybe hit up a dance club.  As someone who frequents clubs, I wanted to pass on a few tips for your next night out.

1) Do your Research

Some clubs have dress codes.  There is a reason if they do.  Most places will say this on their website in advance so please check it out.  No one wants to be the girl in the strawberry dress & white cardigan at the goth club.  Ambiance is important to clubs & the patronage is a big part of that.  Be creative & find a way to mold your personal style to the atmosphere the owners are after.  You will have more fun & won't have to answer the "are you lost" question every 15 minutes.

2) The Bar is a No Parking Zone

It is natural to want to congregate at the bar.  Don't.  Seriously, just Don't.  Get your drink & move away so others can get in behind you.  Nothing sucks more than having to shove through a wall of people when you want to get a drink.

If you are looking for a quiet place to talk, outside is always open, available, & you can smoke.

3) No Flashing (YOUR CAMERA)

A bright light in a dark room pisses everyone off.  I know we all want to document everything, but please do it outside.  This goes super duper QUADRUPLE! if there is a performance on stage.  Most venues that have performances will higher professional photographers who will have special permissions & access.  They do not need, or want, your help, your flash, or you getting in their face & maybe blocking their shot.  Just enjoy yourself, see the show, and save selfies for outside.

4) Stay on your Side of the Rope

This should go with out saying but unless you are performing at that venue, there is no reason for you to be back stage.  If doesn't matter if one of the performers is your bestie, significant other, mom, child, or twin.  If they are working and you are not, stay out of the back stage.  It is always crowded there & that is where people store personal items.

If the club has a VIP area & you were too cheap to pay for a pass, do not try & wedge/talk/coerce yourself in.  It makes you look cheap & insecure.  If you wanted to be there that bad you would have paid.  Be honest.

5) You are in Public, Please don't be Stupid

Want to know what sucks more than paying $15 for a cocktail?  Having that $15 cocktail knocked out of your hands by someone whose had $60 worth of Liquor.  There is this idea that when we go out we have to get wasted or it is not a good time.  Can we please all agree that this is a stereotype died with the American Pie Franchise?  Watch your alcohol.  For us ladies nothing sucks more than trying to pee in a stall someone has puked all over, or trying to step over someone who is passed out on the floor.  The staff at the club will appreciate it, your friends will appreciate it, your Uber driver will appreciate it.

Also, if your monitor your alcohol content you are less likely to loose something important, like your phone, wallet, or shoes.

6) Flirting is Fine, Grinding is Gross

You are going out to meet someone.  Awesome.  Flirt, smile, tell a joke, laugh, ask them to dance & maybe for their number.  All if this is great and one of the reasons people go out to clubs.  HOWEVER! Do NOT come up behind someone you DO NOT KNOW & start grinding on them or touching them.  It is a violation of personal space & is not OK.  If you did that ANY OTHER PLACE besides a club, that person would have the right to mace you & call the cops.  Just because there is music playing & people are dressed up does NOT mean you can suddenly get away with acting like a perv.

If you ask said person to Dance & they say yes, then grinding is totally acceptable.

7) Chairs are for Resting, Not for Nesting

Please don't pile all your stuff on the few available chairs because you don't want to pay for coat check.  People dance, people get tired, people want to sit.  Check your stuff at the door or freeze for those few blocks to the car.  The choice is yours.

Yes ladies, I know that most of our club wear is with out pockets & that can pose an issues.  However, there are plenty of cute over the shoulder purses, as well as mini back packs, that you can have on the whole night.  If it is truly and issue, put you id, cash/credit card, & keys in your tits & leave the rest in the car.  Your bra can hold it so you don't have too.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips and questions answered and feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Wedding Time! Being the Best Bridesmaid

Hello there friends,

It is February, the month of love, & with love comes marriage, & with marriages comes a crazy expensive party, a whole lot of family stress, & traditionally some ugly bridesmaid dresses.  Bring a bridesmaid is almost a right of passage for any young woman these days.  Some ladies love it, some hate it, and more then a few of us need some refreshers.

For all the Brides out there in the middle of planning their spring and summer weddings, here are a few things to keeps in mind when dealing with your Bridesmaids:

1) Be Aware Of Budgets

Wedding are expensive for everyone, check in with your bridesmaids and see what they can really afford.  Dresses, shoes, jewelry, gifts, makeup, & travel all add up pretty fast.  Typically they also help pay for the bridal shower & bachelorette party.

Look around and see where you can try & help the ladies out.  Vegas is the "traditional" place for ladies to go all out and wild for the Bachelorette party, but is that the best idea for you & your ladies?  Will you be asking people to fly across the country twice in one month? Will that make your friend who just finished grad school break the bank?

Ask yourself: Do they all have to be wearing the exact same shoes?  Can they do their own hair & makeup instead of paying for a makeup artist? Can you select a dress they can at least wear again?  Or even better, send them a piece of fabric in the color you want and let them pick their own dress.  All of this will mean they enjoy the event much, much more.

2) Consider Time

Traditionally your bridesmaids are there for the Bachelorette Party, Bridal shower, Rehearsal, Ceremony, and Wedding, not to mention the dress fittings, helping the bride pick everything out, & just the hours talking details.  While this wedding is the center of your life, it might not be the center of theirs.  Please keep this in mind when you call up your Maid of Honor with "just one more idea...".  They are doing you a favor because they love you.  Don't take advantage of that.

3) Be as upfront as your can

Is this wedding going to be a major DIY & you need these girls to spend the 4 months prior making paper flowers & the day of setting up tables?  Will they be in charge of child care during the reception? Don't spring this on them last minute.  When you ask them to be a bridesmaid, tell them what you will be expecting.  For some people, this might be too much & BE OK WITH THEM SAYING NO.  It is better to have people who want to help you out than people who feel like they have to be there.  A "No" is never personal.

4) Give them the option to say "No Thanks"

For some people being a bridesmaid is a right of passage.  For others it is going through hell. Don't assume just because you have been best friends with someone for the last 6 years that they will want to be a bridesmaid.  Ask them & tell them it is OK with you if they say no.  If it sounds like too much of a commitment for them, ask them to do a reading or be and usher.

5) Choose carefully

There is always the pressure to reciprocate bridesmaid-ship.  I don't get why.  Picking your Bridesmaids is like picking your team for the Avengers.  You need people with different skill sets, & that might mean your bestie since the 2nd grade is not the best choice.  I know this is a hard one but remind your friends & yourself that you need someone who can handle the commitment.  Your Maid of Honor is supposed to organize the bridal shower, bachelorette party, help with planning the rehearsal dinner, organize the other bridesmaids & pay for a lot of the events.  It is basically a second job.  Are they going to fight you about color choice the whole time?  Are they not reliable? Do they complain about everything? Are they from out of town & just getting to all the events is going to be a pain in the butt? Maybe they should just be a guest.

6) Do Not Abuse Them

These people are your friends.  You are not paying them.  They are helping you on your special day.  Keep your temper in check day of, & if you need them to do something, remember the words please and thank you.

7) DO NOT PURPOSELY PICK OUT AN UGLY DRESS TO MAKE YOU LOOK BETTER

Seriously Ladies, it is not OK to pick out a dress that makes them look ugly on purpose.  They are there to help you and do you a favor.




And now, for our Bridesmaids, some tips for dealing with Brides, both Zen Brides & Bridzilla's alike:

1) Be aware of what you are committing to

Before you give a yes or a no, ask what will be involved: financially, time wise, travel, all of it.  If you say yes the bride is going to depend on you.  Think about your life over the next year & what this will do for you.  Do not agree to something you cannot afford just because you think it will be fun.  You will be putting yourself & the bride in a very awkward position.  It is OK so say no & explain that you just don't think you can commit to the task.  The Bride might pout, but in the long run she will get over it.

2) If you agree, genuinely want to be Helpful

Brides are stressed enough as it is.  If you agree to help her, actually help her.  Speak with the other bridesmaids & maid of honor as much as you can and keep asking "What else can I do?" Sometimes just being a sounding board for the bride is enough.  Maybe you can give a ride to people when it is time for dress fittings, maybe you can remember to bring the coffee or cary the binder with all the details of the event.  Just be ready and be open.

3) Don't Bitch About the Dress

If she has purposely picked something that makes you look like swamp thing on a a bad hair day, it is OK to speak up, but give her the benefit of the doubt first.  Maybe Maroon and Yellow are her favorite colors and she just can't see how bad the dress is. If you really want to offer some criticism, make sure it is constructive.

"Susan, I know you love brown and purple, I am just having a hard time with this dress.  Can I shop around & send you some options?"

Finding something that works for all of the bridesmaids might be hard & she is doing the best she can.   If you think you can grin & bear it, just do it for your friend.

4) You job doesn't end until the end of the wedding!

Just because she has walked down the aisle does NOT mean you are free to relax.  There are portraits to pose for, toasts to make & a reception to get through.  She might need your help getting people to dance at the right time, She might need help making sure her makeup looks good, & you need to keep your wits about you the whole night.  It is fine to socialize & have fun but check in with the bride & see if she needs anything.  Yes, that means you might have to hold a dress while she pees.  Accept it.

Let's call this 4b) EASY ON THE ALCOHOL!

The number 1 WORST thing a bridesmaid can do is get drunk.  You have gone from being a help to a hinderance.  If you do get drunk, YOU OWE THE BRIDE AN APOLOGY & she has the right to be mad at you depending on what you have done.  It doesn't matter if you are the only single girl there, or for some reason you were sat at the kids table instead of next to her cute cousin you have a thing for.  Shit happens, woman up & pull yourself together.


5) You are not the brides slave

Yes, you are there to help her, but if you are being abused, you have the right to walk out of the situation.  Before you get to this point try and find a neutral time to talk to the bride.  If she flips out at you, this isn't someone you want in your life anyway.

That's all for now friends.  Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips and questions answered and feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Back and ready for more

Hello there friends & readers,

Welcome back! It has been a while, hasn't it? but we are back and ready for more.

The holidays are over & I am sure we all went to our share of events, which brings us to today's topic: PARTIES!!! 

We all love a good party.  After hosting & attending a few myself this holiday season, here are some of my favorite tips I think we could all use a refresher on (Myself included!):

TIP #1: BE ON TIME 

Seems like a no brainer right? It is surprising that this is one people complain about the most.  Check the invitation, most Hosts will be clear if the event is "stop by whenever" or not.  Most people try & serve hot food & drinks this time of year so knowing when people will arrive is critical.  Even if the event is casual, try & be close to the start time or at least call if you will be more than an hour after the beginning.  I understand that no one like being the first one to a party, but when every tries to fix this by showing up 2 hours late it really doesn't help.  

Remember, fashionably late is 15 to 30 minutes after the WRITTEN start time.

TIP #2: DOUBLE CHECK THE INVITATION

Nothing sucks more than coming to a party unprepared, whether is it a formal event & you are dressed for a Leonard Skinner Concert, or you come expecting a dinner party and find a hand full of hors d'oeuvres.  Double check all the details in advance & once again day of.  If anything is unclear, feel free to call you host & ask, BUT REMEMBER! unless it is an emergency, do NOT call the host with questions less that 2 hours before the event.  They will likely have their hands full.

TIP #3: INFORM YOUR HOST

No matter how close a friend they are, it is not your hosts job to remember your are a vegetarian, allergic to almonds or hate their Significant Other's Best Friend.  Anything that might alter your good times is YOUR responsibility.  Call them up a few days in advance and double check that everything is going to be OK.  If you have food issues, offer to bring something you can eat, & bring enough to share.  If you have drama with someone there, it is best to be an adult & just try and avoid the person, but if you really feel you can't be in the same room, DON'T GO!!!  

But remember: ALL THIS MUST BE DONE IN ADVANCE.  Calling up 2 hours before the event & reminding them of anything is Rude.  By then they have typically planned everything & any changes would be very hard.

TIP #4: BRING A HOST GIFT

The Host gift is a time honor tradition.  Anything from a bottle of wine to a bouquet of flowers lets your host know that you truly appreciate the time & effort they made for you.  

Wine or dessert is best for Dinner Parties, flowers or chocolate for a smaller gathering.  You do not need to bring a gift for a Pot Luck, but a small bouquet would be a very nice gesture if you are showing up with a salad & they have spent 6 hours cooking a roast.

TIP #5: BE HONEST IF YOU ARE BAILING

We've all done it: Said yes to a party and day of thought to ourselves "WHAT the HELL was I thinking?".  Sometimes our Social Eyes are bigger than our Calendar's Stomach.  It happens.  If you really must Bail, TELL THE TRUTH.  Most friends will understand if you text & say "Class just killed me & I want to lay in bed & watch Star Trek".  They will be annoyed, and/or disappointed but they will understand.  If you tell them you are sick and they find out you are not thing will be much worse in the long run.  

Remember, this is a ONCE IN AWHILE thing.  If you do this often do NOT be shocked when you stop getting invited places.

That's all for now friends.  Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)