Pulling out of a conversation

Hello there friends & readers,

Another Reader Question! I must be doing something right!

“Dear Your Polite Friend: how do I leave a conversation with a stranger? People love to talk to me & I will talk to them but I don't know how to say 'thanks, shut up now' in a nice way...”

We have all been stuck in a conversation we can’t seem to get out of, you don’t want to be rude, & you also have to leave. There are several options for this situation ranging from the quietly courteous, to the silly.

- Be honest & up front: If you are short on time it is perfectly acceptable to say “This is fascinating, & I need to catch a bus / get home & meet someone / have a meeting”.  If you know the person, offer to talk to them again later either online or on the phone; if you don't, just nicely say thank you & walk away.

- Just wrap things up without any window dressing: It's often fine to just say you've got to go without any explanation, especially if you know the person already. They'll understand you've got things you need to do and won't be offended.
"I gotta run, good talking to you."
(Talking on the phone) "Well I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you later."
"Alright" (To agree with what they just said) "Anyway, take it easy man." (As you're heading off)

- Just keep walking: One easy way to not get stuck is stay in motion.  Are you at the store? Never stop moving down the aisle.  On the street? Keep walking forward.  At work? Have a notepad on you.  Once they see you are walking away they will take the hint.  Just give a one like retort & move on.

- Fake you got a call: Not the MOST polite thing in the world but VERY useful if you are shy.  Take out your phone, look at it & say "Oh gosh, I really need to take this" & walk away while "answering" it.  Putting some physical distance between you and the person is always a way to stop the chat.

- If all else fails: Your Polite Friend likes to use the “Well, if you will excuse me, my pig is on fire” & walk away. This is an old trick from Ren Fair.  Use only if you must.

Now, sometimes the hardest part is interrupting someone who keeps talking, we were all told by our mothers that interrupting people is impolite.  This is true, HOWEVER, not letting someone get a word in edge wise is ALSO impolite.  We all need to breath at some point so a perfect spot is when they take a breath.  If this is someone who has the power to talk & breath at the same time, you are allowed to say "Excuse me" to make your point that you need to leave.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXO

Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

The Manners of Social Media Part Deux

Hello there friends & readers,

Your Polite Friend was recently contacted in a discussion about social media. This is going to be a long one so I have decided to split it in to two posts. Now that we have read part one & had some time to chew it over, we continue with part two. Hope you enjoy.

When does sharing turn in to TMI?

After going over the etiquette of what to post to social media, the question was then WHEN to post to social media. What is over sharing in this modern world?

This is another one that is different for each person. Some of us want to see every picture of every event their friends go to & some of us would rather not. For these kinds of issues I feel it is more the responsibility of the viewer to manage what shows up on their news feed than the poster. Grandma driving your crazy with 100 pictures a day of her Pug Dog Mr. Snuggles? Is your sister posting a picture every 5 minutes of her baby? Your bestie Instgraming every meal they have ever eaten? Maybe filter those out of your everyday posts from the main feed, either by grouping them or just unfollowing them. There is no need to get annoyed because someone has a passion for something you don’t share & they are using social media to talk about it. Our hobbies are no longer limited to just the people at our quilting circle or local golf course.

If someone is really going overboard with their posting, talk to them Off Line or “IRL” as the kids say it these days. Calmly explain that you feel they are oversharing & might want to tone it down a little. Be careful in how you approach this conversation. As we covered in our last topic, some people see social media as a source for spreading their views on political topics, so telling them to tone it down might be tricky.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXO

Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

The manners of Social Media.

Hello there friends & readers,

Your Polite Friend was recently contacted in a discussion about social media.  This is going to be a long one so I have decided to split it in to two posts.  Here is part one.  Hope you enjoy.

Social Media, Free Speech or No?

Someone came to Your Polite Friend with a question: Should I filter what I post on my social media if I know it is going to upset someone?

This is one of those questions that seems super easy when you first think about it, but gets a little more complicated the more you discuss it.

Very Simply: Your Facebook page & feed is your own & you are allowed to post whatever you wish (that doesn't violate the Facebook laws).

HOWEVER, just like the rest of your life, you are not free from any consequences from you postings.  In Social Media, this can mean being blocked, being unfollowed, being unfriended, or starting a flame war; not to mention the off-line consequences on top of that.  Some of this is just the inevitable end of sharing an opinion on the internet.  Some of it is avoidable, if you are willing to keep your political or other touchy opinions to yourself.

This is where you need to ask yourself if sharing your opinion means more to you than the potential negative feed back you might get from friends & family.  This is a personal decision that comes down to what you see the point of Social Media being.  Is it a place to share fun pictures & reconnect with friends?  Or is it a place for you to get your message out to a broader audience?

One issue that often comes up when dealing with anything over the internet, is a certain amount of human communication is lost. Very few of us are professional writers (Your Polite Friend Included) & will always struggle with making ourselves perfectly understood over type.  Inflection, facial expression, body language are all lost when dealing over type. Also, honestly, sometimes it is much easier to be nasty when you are not looking the other person in the face.  These are all things to keep in mind when sharing your opinion or commenting on someone else's.

No matter what you decide, your feed & your page are yours.  If someone replies to a post you make with something horrible you are with in your rights to delete it, & despite what they might claim, deleting a comment is NOT censorship.

Some people have 2 Facebook profiles to help deal with this.  One for Public & Family, & another for more personal use.  This is a great solution to help avoid conflict, particularly for work or family.  Another option is to set different privacy levels for different people & make sure not everyone can see everything you post.  This is entirely up to you & what works best for your life style.

All of this comes down to what you're most comfortable with readers.  If you have thick skin & can handle the possibility of people being upset of what you say, then share away, but please be aware that this can drive other people away.  If you are not super thick skinned & prefer to keep your online conversation light & fun, maybe keep political debates to the dinner table.

We will continue this conversation in Part Two, check back for more social media etiquette tips.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Out and About...

Hello there friends & readers,

We are all navigating the daily ins & outs of this crazy life of ours.  Most of us Millennials are always on the go, & most of us are doing it on Public transit.  This has been quite the topic these days, so Your Polite Friend wanted to throw in her 2 cents.

1) Have exact fair or figure it out in advance
In the internet age it is pretty simple to figure out how much a bus costs & ways to pay.  A simple google search & a trip to your local Walgreens can be a major time and energy saver.

2) Be aware of where you are sitting 
Most public transit has seats reserved near the doors for elderly & disabled riders.  If you take one of these seats be aware that you will likely be asked to move at some point.  Try & look at the patrons & offer your seat to anyone who might need it more than you.  Gentlemen, this includes ladies in heals who will have a harder time balancing with the jerky stops the average bus makes.  Make your grandmothers proud.

3) The seats are for your BUTT
Please keep your feet, bags, legs, or any other body part that is not your backside off the chairs.  The topic of "Man-spreading" has been a hot button these days, but us ladies & our purses are often guilty.  If there is plenty of space on the bus, great, go ahead, but if it is rush hour or just a particularly crowded ride, try & keep yourself as contained as possible.

If you are on a bus and someone has their items on a chair, it is perfectly polite to say "Excuse me" & gesture towards the seat you wish to use.  If after 2 or 3 "excuse me"s, you have permission to move their bag yourself.

4) Plan your commute
If you are commuting with items that take up a lot of space (groceries, large backpacks, luggage, storage bins, strollers, housewares... Your Polite Friend has seen it all), see if you can avoid rush hour.  Certain public transit lines are packed tighter than sardine cans during Rush Hour.  The 9 to 5ers will appreciate you waiting an hour, or going an hour earlier if you can.

If you have no choice, see if there is an alternate route you can take.  A different bus line or maybe walking 2 or 3 stops down so it is a little less congested.  All of this will make everyone commuting together more comfortable.

5) Keep the Music and Cellphone conversations LOW
Very simple: not everyone likes your music or likes to hear about your personal life.  Not much more to say about that.  Please just be quiet.

6) It is not your bathroom
Personal Hygiene is not OK on Public Transit.  Your Polite Friend wishes she didn't have to say this one, but sadly, she does.  Flossing, Nail Clipping, Teeth Brushing and anything in that realm is NOT OK!  Ladies, putting on makeup is alright as long as there is no chance that it will get on your fellow patrons, EXCEPT FOR PERFUME.  You do not know people's allergies so do NOT spray.

7) Wait for people to debark
Very simple math: You cannot get ON the train, if you don't let people OFF the train.  Stand away from the doors & wait for people to come off.  If someone is not letting you off, very loudly tell them "EXCUSE ME I WOULD LIKE TO GET OFF THE TRAIN/BUS". Sometimes a little public humiliation is OK to remind people that they might need to double check their behavior & personal space.  If they are still not listening, it is OK to push. 

Keep these tips in mind on your next trip out & about. This should help all of us have a more pleasant rides in our cities. 

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

A Salute to...the MOVIES!

Hello there friends & readers,

Summer is here & that means summer blockbusters are at your local cinema & we are all flocking to go & see the latest from Hollywood.  

Here are some things that drive Your Polite Friend absolutely BANANAS when she ventures out to the cinema, & how to deal with them.

1) ARRIVE ON TIME
Seems like a no brainer, but it is shocking how many people seem to show up after the lights have gone down.  Your Polite Friend gets that some people hate it sit around in the theater watching the stupid ads before the movie starts, but most of us hate someone stumbling over us, stepping on our feet & spilling popcorn in our hand bags a lot more. If it really drives you that crazy to arrive 10 to 15 minutes early, then commit yourself to side aisle seats for the rest of your life.

If you arrive & the lights are lowered you are not allowed to:
- Crawl over people to try & find your friends (Even if they saved your a seat)
- Ask anyone to move over so you can sit with said friends
- Use your cell phone as a flashlight

If you see anyone doing this you have the right to refuse to move, tell them to turn off their phone, & if need be contact an usher.

2) BE QUIET
Telling people not to talk in movies is pointless because we do.  Your Polite Friend is just as guilty of this as everyone else.  So if you do want to say something to your movie companion: DO SO AS QUIETLY AS YOU CAN!!! Whispers should not be heard by anyone besides the person you are whispering to.  

If someone in front or behind you is offering far too much commentary on the film you are with in your right to POLITELY ask them to please be quiet.  "Please be quiet" is perfectly acceptable & is a little harder to ignore than the classic "Shhhhh".  If they continue, ask them one more time to be quiet & if it still gets worse you are with in your rights to go complain to a member of the theater staff.  

3) TURN OFF YOUR PHONE
This is one that Your Polite Friend cannot stand or stress enough.  From the second the lights go down to the second they go up TURN OFF YOUR PHONE & KEEP IT OFF.  Please note that Your Polite Friend said WHEN THE LIGHTS GO UP! NOT when the credits start.  Most movies these days will give you a little something post credits so you cannot start texting the minute the credits start.  Also, many people like to watch the credits so it is disrespecting them.  There is nothing else to say about this.  If you cannot be away from your phone for 2 hours, please stop going out to movies & stay home with Netflix.  

If someone has their phone out, you can lean over and kindly ask them to turn their phone off.  We all fantasize about grabbing it & dropping it in our soda but let's face it, an etiquette blogger cannot condone that behavior.  No matter how good it would feel.

Theater Staff Before I hear your objects about going to find a member of the theater staff being hard & annoying because you have to leave the movie & miss out, usually the threat of getting someone is enough to make others behave correctly.  Also, if you do have to do this, speak with a member of staff & ask for a refund or a pass for a next showing.

I hope you enjoy this tips for your next night out.

That's all for now friends.  Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!

XOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Concern for feelings

Hello there friends & readers,

Another reader question! 

Dear Your Polite Friend,
I recently got married.  My friend "John" says I should tell my ex who I haven't spoken to beyond "hello" in over 2 years.  My ex & "John" are friends, so I suspect he doesn't want to be the one to break the news.  Do I owe it to my ex?  If so, how do I tell them?

Dear Reader,
Congrats on the marriage.  I hope you had a great wedding & got your thank you notes out in a timely manner.  In response to your question: No, you do not have to tell your ex anything.  If you have not spoken to them in over 2 years, telling them now will seem out of the blue at best, & at worst look like you are rubbing it in their face.  

Thanks to social media it is likely your ex already knows you are married, either on their time line or someone else told them.  Either way, it is not your problem.  

I am not sure why "John" assumes you owe your ex anything, but I think your suspicions about not wanting to break the news are correct.  "John" should mind his own business & realize that everyone here is an adult who has moved on with their life.  Maybe "John" has always hoped you two might get back together & all three of you be friends in some kind of sitcom sort of way.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!



XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)

Gratzi, Merci, Thank you

Hello there friends & readers,

I am so appreciative of all the attention I have received from you lately, which has inspired me for our next topic: Thank Yous.

We all have memories of Mom & Dad sitting us down after every Christmas & Birthday & having us write out a standard Thank You Note. Most of us found it annoying & boring. The idea behind a Thank You Note is that someone took the time from their life to think of us & send us a gift they thought we could like, & in turn we take the time from our life to tell them we appreciate it. Sounds like a nice gesture right? Thank You Notes are one of those things that in theory everyone can appreciate, but in practice is just a little too much work, kind of like flossing.


The Thank You Note is one of those timeless etiquette items that has had some issues adjusting to modern society. Questions like "Is a Thank You Email OK?" are debated constantly by etiquette experts, some on the side of adapting with the times, & others standing firmly on the side of tradition.


So here are my 2 cents in the pool, take them as you will: I love Thank You Notes. I love writing them, receiving them, shopping for them. This is mainly because I am obsessed with pens, stationary & getting mail. I am well aware that for a millennial, my tastes often fall closer to those of the Baby Boomers. I accept this. I also understand that for most people in my generation, an address book is electronic, & given that our friends move more often than we upgrade our iPhones, usually tragically out of date. Getting stationary, getting stamps, & getting a correct address is a big hassle when you are busy. So here is a cheat sheet to help you navigate the best way to tell someone you appreciate them:


Engagement, Bridal Shower, Wedding or Graduation Gifts:

The Law of the Land still says you have to send a written note for these gifts. I know that is not what you want to hear but just do it. Your older relatives will appreciate it. Mainly you are thanking them for thinking of you & coming to your event (if they did). Just suck it up & churn them out. Good news is you should have a correct address since you sent the announcement/invitation. Generally this should be done with in 2 to 3 weeks MAX of receiving the gift. This is not one that is going to change any time soon.


Personalized Gifts (Birthdays, Christmases, etc)

If someone took the time to get you something very specific to you, it really would be nice if you sent them a note. Like I said, I get it, hard. This is a situation where I feel email is acceptable, IF the email is more than 2 sentences. Tell them why you appreciate it & how much it means that the person went out of their way for you. Texts & Facebook really don't cut it for this kind of thing. I know some of you are going to ask "Why is an email more personalized than a Facebook message". I don't know WHY, but email just seems like you put a little more effort in. I don't make the rules, I just nicely remind you what they are.


A Nice Food or Beverage Item Contributed To Your Party

We Millennials are mostly getting to the age where our parties are a pot luck kind of thing. If someone brings a really nice dish or beverage to the party & you want to thank them, this is where texting & Facebook are OK. Just a quick "Thanks so much for coming! The Cider/Potato Salad/Chili were amazing!!!" is a very nice touch. This could also be done over Facebook. Generally it is best in a private message to the person. Group Messages are nice to thank everyone for coming, but if someone put a lot of effort in to a dish, or shelled out a nice amount for some quality drinks, they deserve their own little message. It will help ensure that they will be just as generous the next time. 

PLEASE REMEMBER: ANY MESSAGE IS BETTER THAN NO MESSAGE

If push comes to shove, any etiquette expert will tell you that any kind of message is better than none.  If sending an email or a text is all you can do, DO IT!!! Even if it is better or more correct to send a note.  Hell, a PHONE CALL is better than nothing, just find a way to say thank you.

That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips & questions answered & feel free to write in with any questions!


XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)