It is February, the month of love, & with love comes marriage, & with marriages comes a crazy expensive party, a whole lot of family stress, & traditionally some ugly bridesmaid dresses. Bring a bridesmaid is almost a right of passage for any young woman these days. Some ladies love it, some hate it, and more then a few of us need some refreshers.
For all the Brides out there in the middle of planning their spring and summer weddings, here are a few things to keeps in mind when dealing with your Bridesmaids:
1) Be Aware Of Budgets
Wedding are expensive for everyone, check in with your bridesmaids and see what they can really afford. Dresses, shoes, jewelry, gifts, makeup, & travel all add up pretty fast. Typically they also help pay for the bridal shower & bachelorette party.
Look around and see where you can try & help the ladies out. Vegas is the "traditional" place for ladies to go all out and wild for the Bachelorette party, but is that the best idea for you & your ladies? Will you be asking people to fly across the country twice in one month? Will that make your friend who just finished grad school break the bank?
Ask yourself: Do they all have to be wearing the exact same shoes? Can they do their own hair & makeup instead of paying for a makeup artist? Can you select a dress they can at least wear again? Or even better, send them a piece of fabric in the color you want and let them pick their own dress. All of this will mean they enjoy the event much, much more.
2) Consider Time
Traditionally your bridesmaids are there for the Bachelorette Party, Bridal shower, Rehearsal, Ceremony, and Wedding, not to mention the dress fittings, helping the bride pick everything out, & just the hours talking details. While this wedding is the center of your life, it might not be the center of theirs. Please keep this in mind when you call up your Maid of Honor with "just one more idea...". They are doing you a favor because they love you. Don't take advantage of that.
3) Be as upfront as your can
Is this wedding going to be a major DIY & you need these girls to spend the 4 months prior making paper flowers & the day of setting up tables? Will they be in charge of child care during the reception? Don't spring this on them last minute. When you ask them to be a bridesmaid, tell them what you will be expecting. For some people, this might be too much & BE OK WITH THEM SAYING NO. It is better to have people who want to help you out than people who feel like they have to be there. A "No" is never personal.
4) Give them the option to say "No Thanks"
For some people being a bridesmaid is a right of passage. For others it is going through hell. Don't assume just because you have been best friends with someone for the last 6 years that they will want to be a bridesmaid. Ask them & tell them it is OK with you if they say no. If it sounds like too much of a commitment for them, ask them to do a reading or be and usher.
5) Choose carefully
There is always the pressure to reciprocate bridesmaid-ship. I don't get why. Picking your Bridesmaids is like picking your team for the Avengers. You need people with different skill sets, & that might mean your bestie since the 2nd grade is not the best choice. I know this is a hard one but remind your friends & yourself that you need someone who can handle the commitment. Your Maid of Honor is supposed to organize the bridal shower, bachelorette party, help with planning the rehearsal dinner, organize the other bridesmaids & pay for a lot of the events. It is basically a second job. Are they going to fight you about color choice the whole time? Are they not reliable? Do they complain about everything? Are they from out of town & just getting to all the events is going to be a pain in the butt? Maybe they should just be a guest.
6) Do Not Abuse Them
These people are your friends. You are not paying them. They are helping you on your special day. Keep your temper in check day of, & if you need them to do something, remember the words please and thank you.
7) DO NOT PURPOSELY PICK OUT AN UGLY DRESS TO MAKE YOU LOOK BETTER
Seriously Ladies, it is not OK to pick out a dress that makes them look ugly on purpose. They are there to help you and do you a favor.
And now, for our Bridesmaids, some tips for dealing with Brides, both Zen Brides & Bridzilla's alike:
1) Be aware of what you are committing to
Before you give a yes or a no, ask what will be involved: financially, time wise, travel, all of it. If you say yes the bride is going to depend on you. Think about your life over the next year & what this will do for you. Do not agree to something you cannot afford just because you think it will be fun. You will be putting yourself & the bride in a very awkward position. It is OK so say no & explain that you just don't think you can commit to the task. The Bride might pout, but in the long run she will get over it.
2) If you agree, genuinely want to be Helpful
Brides are stressed enough as it is. If you agree to help her, actually help her. Speak with the other bridesmaids & maid of honor as much as you can and keep asking "What else can I do?" Sometimes just being a sounding board for the bride is enough. Maybe you can give a ride to people when it is time for dress fittings, maybe you can remember to bring the coffee or cary the binder with all the details of the event. Just be ready and be open.
3) Don't Bitch About the Dress
If she has purposely picked something that makes you look like swamp thing on a a bad hair day, it is OK to speak up, but give her the benefit of the doubt first. Maybe Maroon and Yellow are her favorite colors and she just can't see how bad the dress is. If you really want to offer some criticism, make sure it is constructive.
"Susan, I know you love brown and purple, I am just having a hard time with this dress. Can I shop around & send you some options?"Finding something that works for all of the bridesmaids might be hard & she is doing the best she can. If you think you can grin & bear it, just do it for your friend.
4) You job doesn't end until the end of the wedding!
Just because she has walked down the aisle does NOT mean you are free to relax. There are portraits to pose for, toasts to make & a reception to get through. She might need your help getting people to dance at the right time, She might need help making sure her makeup looks good, & you need to keep your wits about you the whole night. It is fine to socialize & have fun but check in with the bride & see if she needs anything. Yes, that means you might have to hold a dress while she pees. Accept it.
Let's call this 4b) EASY ON THE ALCOHOL!
The number 1 WORST thing a bridesmaid can do is get drunk. You have gone from being a help to a hinderance. If you do get drunk, YOU OWE THE BRIDE AN APOLOGY & she has the right to be mad at you depending on what you have done. It doesn't matter if you are the only single girl there, or for some reason you were sat at the kids table instead of next to her cute cousin you have a thing for. Shit happens, woman up & pull yourself together.
5) You are not the brides slave
Yes, you are there to help her, but if you are being abused, you have the right to walk out of the situation. Before you get to this point try and find a neutral time to talk to the bride. If she flips out at you, this isn't someone you want in your life anyway.
That's all for now friends. Please keep checking back for more etiquette tips and questions answered and feel free to write in with any questions!
XOXOXO
Your Amie Polie (That's Polite Friend in French-Talk)
